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Mindfulness & Mental Illness

Hello there, I am known as Mimi and I am “mentally ill”…

mindfulness

This might not be the best personal introduction I can make of myself to you.  However, I am working on accepting the fact that I have a mental illness that has taken over my world…and not in a positive way.  It had all started many years back but my awareness of the mental illness began when I was 19 years of age.

There are a variety of mental illnesses but mine is, according to some doctors; severe depression with suicidal tendencies and social anxiety.  I’ve been living with mental illness, without knowing, for a long time and it was only in 1990, as stated before, when I became “aware” of the words “depression,” “anxiety,” and “suicidal tendencies.”

I wish, sometimes, I had something physical or more visual so that many people, including myself,  could understand my “illness.”   I wish there was this miracle pill that could make me “normal.”  I wish but this is what I am…or,  is it?

It has not being easy for me to be part of the jungle that I call LIFE while having a mental illness.  I have allowed my own prejudices about mental illness affect the choices I have made in my own life.  Choices I’ve made at times I thought I’ve being Mindful (a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.) When it comes to mindfulness and mental illness, I wonder; Do I really have a choice?

mindfulness definition

Unlike some people who are living with mental illness, I’m having a really hard time accepting the fact that I can not fix me.  Acceptance of my mental illness is a journey I know I need to take but that I am extremely ambivalent about.  If I accept the fact I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that has not being able to be “fixed” by a miracle pill or psychoanalysis…Am I giving up control to something I can not see nor touch?  What is left of me if I do accept it?  What am I to do to feel complete and in control?

I guess that you can say I am a lucky person.  I am not going through the journey of acceptance alone.  For many years, I’ve had doctors, therapists, and family members who are helping me in my war against my mental illness.  Today (1/10/2019) is when I have finally decided to focus on acceptance.  Living with mental illness is one thing.  Acceptance is a whole new ballgame.  Doctors’ visits, medication and family can sometimes feel overwhelming.  Today I also have a case worker.  And then…there are my DOGS…

There are times that I wish I was left alone by people.  Most of the time I only seek the comfort and peacefulness I receive from my dogs.   They are, after all, my emotional support companions.  I tend to convince myself that it’s a fact that only my dogs will not judge me and will  accept me with all of my idiosyncrasies.  Each has their unique personalities and so do I.  Each gives me something different and yet the feeling is so similar.  With them I feel I am “something” that matters in the universe.  Without them I feel lost…

3dogs (4)

Why not look for doctors or therapists or family members for support when I’m in real distress?  Why my dogs?  Later, I will explain why my dogs are the only support I look for whenever I am in emotional discomfort and pain.  I will post a piece about ESA (Emotional Support Animal) and dealing with my Mental Illness.  All I can say now is that my dogs, and only them, give me the motive to go to sleep at night and the desire to get up in the mornings.  They make me feel alive.  They make me feel useful.  I’ve rescued one and they all have rescued me…

 

 

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Hello world!

My nickname is Mimi and I am 48 years old (as of today 1/10/19).  I am the proud owner of 3…well, 2 beautiful dogs.  I am married but separated and living with mental illness.

I am not a writer but writing allows me to express emotions that sometimes I can not express any other way.  I Also paint and cook and enjoy time spent with my dogs.

I hope to use this media as a way to allow myself to deal with my mental illness openly.  I also want to share some of my opinions regarding different life issues I face and I am always open to constructive criticism.

C U SOON…Hopefully 🙂